Overthinking

Why do I drive myself crazy by overthinking every last second of every day?

Why can’t I talk to someone without later going home and analysing my every word?

It actually hurts my head. I can’t just enjoy a day. It’s so flipping annoying. I was sarcastic today and now I’m at home thinking what if people think I was serious? What if I took it too far? What if the person it was about is weirded (aware this isn’t a word) out by what I said.

I think I know that people probably don’t even remember anything I said to them today – but still I drive myself crazy going over every step I made.

You know what’s even more frustrating… you can’t stop it. There literally isn’t a way to stop my mind from thinking all these things. Imagine if our brain had a switch and I could turn that part off. I imagine I’d have a lot less headaches.

It winds me up how much I overthink and it ruins so many things for me. I know a few other people that over think like I do. But I am so sure there are some people out there that are able to go through life without a care in the world and I honestly wish I knew how they did it.

Why is my own head trying to sabotage me? I’d really like to know the answer to this because I’m struggling and would like a way out from the constant noise in my mind.

Friends

Throughout my short 21 years I have befriended so many people. A few who I would trust with everything, and others that were more acquantainces through work or school.

I would say I struggle to keep friends. Not because I decide one day I don’t like them – but because I sometimes struggle to believe that people would actually want to be there for me. I have had my trust thrown back at me, as have most people, and I feel it’s happened enough times that I now second guess everything.

Am I asking too much of them? Do they actually want to see me? Am I a burden? Do they care how I feel or am I just bothering them?

And sure enough, because I have these paranoid thoughts I have ended up losing friends. I have also lost friends because of differing of opinions and realising when it was a one sided friendship. Unfortunately there are people that only want to know you when you are doing well and will ask you for favours, but when it comes to you asking for their support they turn the other way.

People always say, at uni you meet your best friends – okay yes I have a couple of very close friends, but we didn’t actually become that close until our final year. I remember in primary school I had a best friend, and we were attached at the hip. We did everything together. Every weekend there was another sleepover, another friendship bracelet, people would just associate us together. And all it took was to go to different secondary schools and we slowly drifted apart.

My close friends now aren’t as extreme – unless anyone wants to make friendship bracelets with me then that is absolutely fine – but I am 10 years older and have come to appreciate being able to sit in silence and know someone is there for you. And of course sleepovers and friendships bracelets have turned into more of a takeaway and drink sort of situation so there is that difference too.

Even though I don’t have a huge group of best friends, I know that I have made a lot of friends that reach out their hand to me when I am feeling low. We all support each other – that doesn’t mean we have to spend every second together – but simple things like that smile from across the room when they see you looking down, or sharing someone’s spoken word on Facebook can really mean a lot.

Know that you are never alone and to never be afraid to speak up because there are people all around you who are always there for you.

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow”

-William Shakespeare

Crying

How often do you cry? Once a day? Once a week, a month, a year? What is considered as a normal amount to cry?

I hate crying. Putting it out there straight away. I don’t know why. I get embarrassed, I feel like it shows a weakness and that I am actually bothered by something. But actually writing those words down I feel like surely it’s a good thing if I’m crying about something because it shows I care about it? I don’t know.

Today I cried.

When I say I cried, I mean the gates opened and I couldn’t stop for a good hour. I made it a laughing matter because I was in front of people, but inside something was actually really hurting me and I couldn’t stop.

There are many different reasons people cry –

  • Laughing tears
  • Drunk crying
  • Angry crying
  • Crying in pain
  • Nervous tears
  • The wind causing my eyes to cry (so annoying by the way)

Everyone cries. We cry as we come into the world – the first thing we do is cry. Our tears release chemicals – one of those being leucine-enkaphilin – an endorphin that reduces pain and works to improve mood. We literally get a rush from crying.

So why do I feel so annoyed when I cry? Is it just me or do other people feel embarrassed to cry? What is the boundary of how often you can cry? Where can you cry? And who can you cry too?

So many questions for something so simple as crying and there won’t ever be a right answer. So I’ll leave you with this quote from Lemony Snickett…

“you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit”

Strong

Definition of strong – Able to withstand force, pressure, or wear

When I first started drafting this I was thinking a lot about the strong women in my life and how they are all strong in their own way.

But what does “strong” actually mean?

And why would I not include all the strong men I know?

On my social media I see a lot of…

“Strongest women I know”

Or

“He makes me strong”

What do you mean?

Can they lift 90kg? Are they strong because of a bad relationship or a grievance? Have they over come a disability – whether it be physical or mental. Are you supporting someone and making them feel strong? Did you get out of bed today? Are you still resisting chocolate for lent?

I’m here to break it to you…

WE ARE ALL STRONG

You are allowed to have those bad days where you don’t want to do anything. You are allowed to feel fragile. You are not alone when you dont want to get out of bed in the morning. But know that you pushed through it, and that makes you strong.

So this is a public service announcement to let you know that no matter how you feel right now, you accomplished another day. And you smashed it.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you – even your own thoughts – that you are not strong.

Expectations

I’m Ella, I’m 21 years old, and I am trying to master the art of taking life one day at a time.

Up until this point I have had a plan that I stuck to. But for what? I am about to get my degree – which is really just a piece of paper that for some reason determines what jobs we can get – and I have decided that I need to step away from that career path.

In August, I embark on the biggest adventure of my life and since booking my tickets my head has never been clearer.

But…

I can’t live in the space of waiting to get on the plane, I have to live each day to the fullest because I would hate to look back in 20 years time and remember the 6 months that I just waited for time to pass.

I have some amazing people around me, and it is time to break out from the idea that you have to know exactly what you are doing at all times. Just because someone in your class got a job today does not mean you are falling behind – you are following your own path.

Everything in life happens for a reason. Shine your own light, make your own path.